I've been attempting to be active on Deviantart for yearssss now..! I keep starting and stopping.
Something has been eating at me. And I finally mustered up the courage to come out of some closets. (After growing up Mormon then that mindset following me for years)
**TL;DR: I'm hopelessly transgender. Female to male. Female to... androgyny leaning more to the male side.
(Which makes me gay for everyone, but mostly girls.)
Anyway let's have some real talk, because if I'm going to keep this account open, I'm going to change some things! I can only stand to be honest now, the alternative hurts my heart. And by now everyone is probably gone to the wind. But those of you who still remember when I was active, hi! And this is probably weird..! (I also realize DeviantArt isn't as it used to be so bear with me if I'm a relic at this point)
I've been soul searching for so long, after not allowing myself to even think certain thoughts. And once I allowed myself, it's like pandora's box. Not only am I finding out, I -do not like men- as a mate. I do not feel attracted really to them, nothing more than an artistic appreciation. And finding out that I've always liked girls in that way I should never have! But.. Because I like girls, it also feels like in a straight way. So I'm also pulling a Bruce Jenner! I've always had the mind of a man.. Surprise~ My internal voice was male, my imagination of myself as an elderly person was always a grandpa, I pictured myself in the dad position. Ever since I had memories I could remember me being confused af, I never knew why I was different from my brother and step brothers. I was the biggest tomboy you'd ever see since a child. Then you know, a major concussion and Junior high social pressures confused me. I've gone by EponaGIRL and HorseCHICK and FlashCHICK and ProgGIRL, trying to appease people..My brother picked these names actually. Utah is so strict with this stuff!
It's gotten to the point where my heart aches whenever I'm called Jenny. It kills me. Which is so weird since I've based my whole art business branding around my name, like "Hey that will never change right! Like what Will Smith did with Fresh Prince of Bel Air?" Whoops!
So after years of struggle, and cosplaying as guys to.. feel it out.(Link, androgynous really but it's why my hair is similar and I have been wearing contacts) I've been on hormone therapy for a while. And it's pretty apparent. I'm like 100000x happier than ever. So much more comfortable in my skin!? Like a giant mechanical vice loosened it's grip on my heart. At this point I've been questioning what even gender is (I know but there's two meanings to it! Like chromosomes, yes I'm obviously XX- female.) But the whole... clothes.. and connotations and goals and stereotypes.. Even the way I want to stand and present myself. Whatever it means, I just like wearing comfortable clothes, and I never had the honest desire to be motherly. Always wanted to provide and get dirty and cut my hair and look sharp like in a suit kind of way and not a dress kind of way. WHATEVER IT IS.
I just call it what I am. And now I want to be called Wren.
SO yeah. Sorry to go full Tumblr. All the way Tumblr.. But I've never allowed myself these thoughts. God, I wish I had sooner... would have saved much heartache! (Luckily I'm still very good friends with my previous boyfriend.)
The unfollow button is on the right, if anyone is so done with this sort of "Millennial bullshit". Just. For me, it felt like a million bricks lifted from my shoulders.
Anyhow! Because of this I've been legit disowned by the remainder of my Utah family, never wanting to see me again. Transgender is something absolutely disgusting to them. Not to mention the big G/L word.
And tomorrow I'm getting on a plane to experience life in Tuscany, Italy. With a host and his family. People describe him as Radagast from Lord of the Rings. Also gay. Very accepting of me. I consider this a reset and my new home base.
So here's to the new chapter of my life :'> Cheers!
(EDIT: I just noticed the date is exactly 7 years ago my dad died. DANG! Totally new chapter. )